Forwarded from my dad

[dragonydreams]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.


Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met.

11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

16 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

17 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

18 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

20 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

21 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

22 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

23 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

25 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

26 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

27 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

28 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

And an all time favorite-

29 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Comments

[andrea7-5n.livejournal.com]

haha... I've read some of these before.

10 and 14 are hilarious...

Actually #14 is the story of my life..haha

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

Some of them had sounded familiar to me too, but I was cracking up reading them aloud to my coworker. I loved #7 & 22.

[angelskuuipo.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

I love Steven Wright. Some of my favorites of his are too long to re-type.

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

I don't think that I've heard of him before, although I must have heard some of his witticisms.

[angelskuuipo.livejournal.com]

He's a stand up comedian who's been around for quite a while. He has a very monotone delivery which just adds to the funny.

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I love these! Steven Wright is hilarious!


Gabrielle

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

He certainly is. I was breathless with laughter over some of these.

[frellingblonde.livejournal.com]

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

That's my favorite of all the bumper stickers on my car. Because it's SO true. :D

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

That was one of my favorites too.

[oreadno1.livejournal.com]

LOL! These were hilarious! I've always loved Steven Wright!

Kathy

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

He definitely has some good ones. Too funny.

[nessataleweaver.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, didn't he also say 'The trouble with the gene pool is that there aren't any lifeguards?' and 'If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?'

[dragonydreams.livejournal.com]

LOL. I have no idea, but those sound like things he'd say. (I'd never heard of him before my dad sent me this email. Although I'd probably heard some of his pearls before without knowing it was him.)